The Shape of His Devotion
by Lucathia Rykatu
Summary: Killua runs. For Gon's sake. Set after the Chimera Ant arc.


The Shape of His Devotion

by Lucathia

**Notes:** Written for justwolf for Yuletide 2011. Set for the Chimera Ant arc. Contains character death, as well as spoilers for Alluka and Alluka's abilities.

* * *

><p>He thinks he's done running. He's not. This is for Gon's sake - <em>is it?<em> He doesn't know. All he knows, believes, thinks, is that he needs to get Gon out, or else. His gut feeling tells him he doesn't want to stay and find out what the "or else" entails.

He fears.

He runs.

He hates himself for it.

* * *

><p>They hide on a pirate ship. <em>Killua<em> hides them on a pirate ship. Gon is out cold and has no say in the matter. Airplanes are traceable - Hisoka's proven that.

Pirate ships are not.

And Killua is not afraid of pirates.

* * *

><p>Night. No light seeps through the cracks in the wood. The ship rocks. On deck, feet thump against the floor planks. Something shatters. A tankard maybe - the pirates are drinking.<p>

Laughter. Jeering. Someone hits the floor with a grunt. An all out brawl breaks out. Killua senses nen. He strengthens his zetsu, making sure none of his aura leaks. The brawl stops, noises dying down until all Killua hears is the sound of creaking walls.

Gon stays unconscious.

Killua exhales softly and closes his eyes.

* * *

><p><em>"Killua," Illumi says. "Did you think you could escape from me?"<em>

_He blocks with lightning. His brother no longer overwhelms him, but he knows they're still worlds apart - Illumi doesn't even blink when Killua launches his attack. Killua has never been able to afford to lose even when it was only his pride and life on the line, but this time is different. This time, Killua is furious._  
><em><br>Illumi stabs his neck and sends him flying with a hit to the chest. The burst of pain that follows brings Killua to his knees. No - it's not the pain that does it. It's the burst of _run away, leave him behind, no one matters but yourself-

_"You're not even attempting to be subtle anymore," Killua says tauntingly. He pulls the needle out from his neck and throws it on the ground. "Don't think you can influence or control me again."_

_"Why are you making things difficult for yourself?" his brother questions with large, unblinking eyes that haunt Killua's nightmares. Black, inky eyes. They remind Killua of someone, but he can't remember, nor can he remember the reason for his fury. He only remembers intimidating eyes, but he's never been afraid of them, unlike the eyes Illumi turns on him. _

_Killua snorts. He's not the one complicating things. His brother needs to take his needles and stick them somewhere else. _

_With one hand on his bleeding neck, Killua attacks again. _

_Even while his heart hammers painfully in his chest._

* * *

><p>He's not afraid of pirates. Not even if they have nen-users among them. Killua can handle them all. He welcomes the challenge even. He needs a distraction, but he doesn't think anything on this ship can distract him.<p>

Killua is not afraid of pirates, but he is afraid of Gon.

_Gon, please..._

He's not asking for Gon to wake up. Killua knows he will. He's not asking to be forgiven - he doesn't think Gon will ever forgive him.

It's the same for Killua.

_Please understand..._

He asks for understanding.

Because this is the size of his loyalty. This is the shape of his devotion. Killua realizes, with shocking clarity, why Pouf sought to destroy the girl that the king treasured. Pouf thought he knew better. He thought it was for the king's sake. He wanted the king to remain unchanging and unhurt. Pouf didn't care even if he had to play the role of sinner, of betrayer.

Killua is not all that different from Pouf.

This is not what Gon wants. Killua knows this.

But if Gon rejects his devotion, Killua will break.

Killua will break, and so will their friendship.

* * *

><p>Gon wakes up.<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Killua?" Gon asks. "Where are we?"<em>

_They're in the parking lot of the hospital, in a room built specifically to hide Gon and Alluka. Gon is back to his normal self - before _that_ - before he turned his tear-streaked face to Killua - before he walked away from Killua and destroyed himself - before he was hurt, hurt so badly that he gave up on compassion-_

_"Gon," Killua breathes. He wants, needs, an apology even when he knows an apology isn't enough, will never be enough to- _

_"Where's Biscuit? What happened to Bomber? _

_Killua starts, but he controls his reaction._

_Alluka's powers are astonishing - not only does Killua's wish revert Gon back to his natural body, even Gon's memory is reset back to before he was hurt beyond repair._

_This is...a chance. This changes things._

_He hates himself for it. _

_He forgoes the apology._

* * *

><p>Gon doesn't remember the chimera ants. He doesn't remember Kite's demise.<p>

This is Gon. Gon before he broke, before he threw Killua's friendship in his face.

Killua plans to keep it that way. Kite is unnecessary for Gon's health. Ging even more so. He's heard that Ging's been targeted because of the elections - mortal peril is how they phrased it - but Killua's not going to tell Gon that.

Ging never visited Gon, not even after Leorio punched him hard enough to send him flying.

Gon doesn't have to remember how he failed Kite. Gon doesn't need the anguish that tormented him and forced his hand. Gon doesn't have to be a cold-hearted murderer, aged beyond his years.

Gon can start over.

And so, Killua runs.

For Gon's sake.

Even though he fears Gon will remember one day. He fears Gon will go mad with anguish when he recalls all that has happened. He fears the optimistic and happy Gon he knows will disappear altogether. He fears Gon won't understand. He fears Gon will one day, once again, destroy himself for the sake of Kite. For the sake of Ging.

Leaving Killua to pick up the mess.

Leaving Killua behind.

Leaving Killua all alone.

* * *

><p>"Gon, let's kick some pirate ass."<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Give your heart to me?" Alluka asks. <em>

_"Ah, of course," Killua answers and holds his sister tightly. "My heart is yours."_

_Alluka has always had his heart, only there's now another one who's just as important, if not more._

_When he pays the price, when he fulfills all three of Alluka's requests, he plans to set her free. He'll tell her - _Alluka, become a normal girl without any powers. _He can already imagine it. Alluka will no longer need to be caged. She'll be free, and he'll take her with him to see the world with Gon..._

* * *

><p>The pirates are no match, not even the nen-user.<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Kill him for me?" Alluka points to the bed. <em>

_Killua freezes. _

_Hisoka strikes in his moment of doubt, card burying into flesh._

_"Alluka!" _

_Blood. There's blood all over his hands, all over his shirt, dribbling down her chin- _

_No... _

_"No! Alluka!"_

* * *

><p>"Steer to the left," Killua instructs.<p>

"Aye, captain!" Gon answers, steering them all the way to the Starlian Continent. They've never been there before, but the place is beautiful, just like what Killua has heard. He's always wanted to see the world with Gon. Gon has a goal in life. Killua has only just found his. It's selfish, but all he wants is to see the world with Gon. All he wants is for Gon to stay by his side, to never turn his back on him again.

For that, Killua will steal Gon away, no matter how many times it takes, no matter if Gon doesn't want to be stolen away from his goal in life.

For that, Killua will lie, even if it's to Gon.

Even if it's to himself.

Together with Gon, he sets foot on Starlian soil.

He thinks he's forgotten something important, but he brushes that aside and smiles at Gon. He knows he's running away. He knows, but he does it anyway. He fears Gon will remember. He fears _he_ will remember.

He fears remembering will break their friendship.

He doesn't want to hate Gon.

He doesn't want to lose Gon.

He smiles at Gon, but his heart hurts.

* * *

><p><em>"Killua! You're back! I'm sorry-"<em>

_"What are you sorry for?"_

_"...Killua?"_

* * *

><p>"It's okay," Gon says. He wraps his arms around Killua. "I'll remember her for you. Until you're ready."<p>

* * *

><p>There's a needle prickling Killua's heart.<p>

He leaves it there.

* * *

><p>the end<p> 


End file.
